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December 24th, 10pm, Eastern Standard Time

I can't believe a year went by so fast...hey, I remembered! If you don't know what I'm talking about, look back an entry exactly a year ago from today. Oh well...Happy Christmas Eve! :) 

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Hello world!
My word, it's been a long time again, hasn't it? It's so weird how when I first started, I couldn't stop posting an entry every day, but now life just keeps taking over all the time and other things occupy my mind when somehow, for some reason, I just stop and think: "Hey...I haven't posted on LJ for a while...maybe I should go and just write something down," and so I sit down and I write a little something just so that it doesn't feel like it's completely forgotten (as if LJ has feelings, but then again Anne Frank treated her diary Kitty like a best friend, so I guess it's normal to make sure that you don't neglect everything in your life that isn't a great priority). I think it began yesterday when I was on the 2nd floor of Wilson Commons and I needed to call one of my fellow Ballroom e-board people and only do so by looking up his cell number on an old e-mail from the beginning of the semester, and both computers on the 2nd floor were occupied, one by this one girl who was typing on her LJ account the WHOLE TIME I was going back and forth and checking and re-checking and getting impatient 'cos I was organizing ballroom lessons last night with Ogi (the business manager) and needed to know some stuff from him. Eventually the other girl on the other computer went off and I was able to get his number, but I guess in addition to the girl last night and randomly checking David Lu!!'s LJ today made me want to waste some more time and type on my own account instead of doing work like I should be doing lol.

So anyway...I'm back from Thanksgiving Break, and embarking on the last stretch of the semester before winter break (three more weeks! woohoo!!). Thanksgiving was quiet as usual for me. I mean...my respective families live overseas, and it's not within my immediate nor my extended family to celebrate Thanksgiving. Sometimes I wish I had the experience of being part of a huge family gathering and sharing a big meal (probably if I were to marry an American), but I guess my version of Thanksgiving is the best kind for me. We just went to an Italian restaurant, since three years ago my mother said she couldn't be bothered to cook a turkey any more like when we first came to the States and were so excited to try to take part in all of the traditional holidays just like Americans do (what was really ironic was that the restaurant had a Thanksgiving special dinner, so we still ended up eating turkey, but at least my mother didn't have to cook it ;-), and to celebrate my very very VERY belated 21st b-day since my family wasn't able to come up (it was during Meliora Weekend).I didn't celebrate it like other kids my age do (especially not after my little vodka incident), but spending the whole of Saturday night of MW with Saxler and Joe by going to see Ratatouille (SO cute, and it portrayed Paris so accurately too, reminded me of this past summer...) and then going back to my room and talking until 3 or 4am...that was possibly one of the best birthdays ever. Just me and my two very closest friends....pure happiness. Those are the times when I'm totally and completely and incandescently happy, since I love them so much and they've both told me that they love me too...<3 Saxler and Joe *-: 

Life has been really crazy, and with my mood spells, sometimes it feels unbearable. But as long as I see my therapist regularly and have my friends' support, things should be fine. I'm on a good streak right now and I'm hoping that it won't break. *knocks on wood* Unfortunately they've made my work suffer a little bit, which is why I'm trying to use every free time I have to try and bring them up enough to be satisfied with them (since I've long ago convinced myself that I'm not what I was back in high school and just have to accept the fact that some people do very well in college, some do average, and some do bad, and that I'm just one of those people who do average than when I used to do well in HS, although I do say so myself; some people obviously did a lot better than me). I'll probably get on that later tonight; right now i just need to chill and let my mind steady itself so that I don't go berserk. At any rate, I'm gonna go off and get my room sorted out and possibly get some work done before the TP stress management workshop/indian food at 6:30, so until another time LJ (whenever that'll be)...thanks for listening.

So...it's about a quarter to midnight before Sunday turns into Monday, I have a crapload of work to do (as well as falling behind in my reading), and I STILL haven't called my mother in over two weeks not since we last had a fight on the phone, but none of those matter to me more than what happened to me this past weekend. Which sucks because I was actually feeling great about myself, but now I've fallen down, and the wounds still sting.

It's like this: I got into "Heart and Music" from A New Brain (done as a medium group by Brian) AND I have a solo in "Burnin' Love" from All Shook Up (also done by Brian as our closer), and the soloists are already organized into couples for the song, with Joe and I as one of said couples (he got a solo too plus he also got into H&M). Finally, after two bad runs in OBOC, things are finally going my way...for now. Maybe it's short-lived; maybe it'll continue on in this fashion until my last OBOC show. But whatever may happen, for once I got what I wanted. Seriously, I almost started crying when I saw the e-mail. I hadn't felt that happy in the longest time. And I felt like I could face the world.

And my happy mood continued in this fashion into the weekend. Saturday was Be The Change Day, where about 300 students went to Foodlink to organize lots and lots of food products for underprivileged people. It feels good to do a service the world every so often, at the expense of getting red, blue and green stained hands from leaking icing tubes ("icing"? WHO would donate "icing" to starving people, I ask you?), but it was still fun. This went on until 3:30pm. Then in the evening my OBOC family and I (plus some of Howie's suite and Marin's roomie and Katie Mueller) all went out into the city of Rochester to Dino BBQ to celebrate Marin's 20th b-day. REALLY awesome food, coming from someone who's not really a meat person (NO I'm not a vegetarian; I eat chicken and fish, I just don't like beef and I can't eat any pig products). Afterwards we all went back to campus to get dessert at Hillside. A.K.A. just sitting around in a circle talking with Marin bouncing up and down like an excitable ball of energy and taking photos left and right. Around midnight, most of us left to go back to Brian's room for "celebratory drinks", and THAT'S when it all happened.

Brian makes awesome drinks (courtesy of lessons from John P. and Mike B.), usually a mixture of Sprite, V-8 fruit juice and a shot of Smirnoff vodka, and almost all of us (except Saxler 'cos she's the mother of the group) had one. I only had half a shot of vodka in my drink, so I could barely taste it. But oh my god...I still can't believe the reaction I went through for the next half hour or so. My face was bright red, my heart was beating so fast that for a split second I was reminded of the part of when Harry realizes that he must die and his heart is pounding in his chest as if it knew that the body that it was providing life for was about to expire and was trying to put in as much beats as possible before the final minute; that's how my heart was acting. Plus my body was heating up and my head felt like a giant bowling bowl teetering from one side to another. It doesn't sound so bad when described out loud in person; describing stuff on paper (or screen in this case) always leads to the potential of making stories sound much more exciting than in real life. But anyway, all of this was happening, but nothing was happening to the others. I admit that it was my first taste of hard liquour, and I'm guessing the others have had it before and are much more tolerant of it. But not me. After some time I needed to go to the bathroom (to ACTUALLY go to the bathroom), and Saxler followed me. When I was done and came out, this dizzy feeling came over me and I had to sit down. Then I felt that I needed to burp, but in reality I knew that a burp was not going to come out of my mouth. Next thing I knew, I'm bending over a toilet puking my guts out, but only two times, and that was that, while Sarah's stroking my hair and rubbing my back the whole time. And when I was done I was just shaking badly, mostly from the shock of losing my dinner and horrified at what I was going through. But Sarah, bless her heart, just sat down on the floor with me in the toilet stall and held my hand while talking to me the whole time. I love her. I really do. She's a true blue angel. And everyone else (even the boys) had propped the girl's bathroom door open and were poking their heads in to see if I was okay. Mind you, they were acting as if I had the plague, but at least they cared to check me. BUT. And here's where some of my pain lies: Joe and Howie didn't come to see if I was okay. What did they do instead? They left. For Towers. Back to their suite. Without saying goodbye or even coming over to see me. THAT really hurt my feelings. It's like they didn't care. And that made me feel more miserable. When I was feeling a little better (after taking my time getting off the floor, walking around and slowly sipping some water) and Sarah had walked me back to my room in Burton, the full weight of my experience came crashing down on me. I cried myself to sleep, I started crying again when I woke up, and I kept crying on and off all of Sunday until about 3pm, when I was all dried up and like "okay, enough of this", but I'm still a bit shaken from my experience, as well as still upset and shocked with the non-considerate behaviour of some of my friends.

In a way I'm sort of glad that I went through what I went through. Now I have a better sense of what my body can and cannot tolerate. I mean there's always a first time for everything, and I guess I would have gone through with it sooner or later. Obviously I'm immune to champagne and wine, but vodka...eeugh, I'm making sure I stay away from it. I just never thought that that kind of thing would happen to me. I mean I always hear stories of what drunk people go through every weekend from the Frat Quad, but I'd never have thought that one night I myself would be spewing out my innards into a toilet. But that's the problem; people always believe that some thing won't happen to them, and then bam. Though the thing is with me that my body rejected the vodka the moment it entered my system, rather than succumb to its mind-numbing qualities. And it really hurts how Howie and Joe deserted me when I was in a vulnerable state...especially Joe. Fortunately everyone else has been kind enough to check to see how I'm doing, but my once-happy mood is gone again. As I've told almost all of my OBOC family members who've asked me if I was feeling better, I'm physically better, but not emotionally.

Well, it's now almost half past midnight, and I'm nodding off at my laptop. But it's been nice to write a real entry in my LJ after so long, since I never got round to documenting my "exciting" summer in Paris. I'm sure at some point I'll be writing up an entry that'll take into perspective this whole year so that I can see what I've accomplished and improved on. We'll see. But I'm gonna head off to sleep now and get up semi-early to finish up work and to prepare for another long week. But until then, LJ...thanks for listening.